If my traffic app was a guest on the Maury Povich show

It would surely be in the hot seat awaiting results from the lie detector test.   Maury would say “Traffic App, you showed that it would take 50 minutes to go from point A to B, but the lie detector test showed THAT WAS A LIE”

Nope, wasn’t me

In a previous post I may have mentioned that traffic often involves me having a full-blown tornado twisting Tasmanian devil temper tantrum in my car. In a recent episode I managed to distract myself by creating names for the stages of traffic heading into the city in the morning.  Let’s proceed:

No worm for you, or space between cars for that matter

5:00 am – This stage I’ll call the “Oh, so THIS is how we’ll start our day? Just GREAT” – these people on the road are also known as No Worm for You Early Birds.  They *think* they’re going to beat the traffic only to find themselves sitting in unbelievable traffic, yes at 5 in the morning.  The stage has now been set for the remainder of the day.  I’ve been there, thinking I’m so slick getting ahead of the traffic only to sit in the winter months, in the dark, and wonder is it 5am? or 5pm? or middle of the night? Who knows?!?  Where are my sunglasses since the glare from the red break lights is so blinding?

7:00 – 9:00 am “Total Hard Core” – this is the only time frame of traffic I’ll accept. The orchestration that takes place between vehicles can be magical.  Everyone working in harmony (almost) darting in an out of lanes, flipping fingers, honking horns, shaking fists, gnashing teeth.  It’s like a pure symphony of madness! 

10:00 am mid-morning “But…but…I don’t understand” this traffic is created by the “appointment people” who need to be in the city for a only a few hours, and don’t want to spend their entire day using public transportation.

You dirty bug-eating earth- dwelling savage! Get out of my way!

After 11:00 am “For the love of Pete! How is there still traffic”?  This is where I’ll form the most wildly creative sayings and words and string them all together; in fact most sentences don’t even make sense. (kind of like this blog) For example: “Good gravy!!!! A turtle hauling a pile of pickles could move faster than you!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING”??? 

Any time after 11:45 am is “The Brain Twist” Because, you know, driving 25 mph on a major highway is completely reasonable.  This is when I wish I could twist the top of my skull open to at least let my brain crawl out of my head into the backseat of the car, let it buckle up, and meditate for the rest of the ride. Seriously who am I kidding, there’s always traffic, ALWAYS!!!

Facade of Normalcy

I heard someone use this phrase the other day and I liked it so much I wrote it down. It got me thinking about my own “normalcy” and the truth of the matter is that I although I can manage most things successfully in my life, in some other cases, not so much.  So let’s pry back the curtain:

  • Traffic turns me into a regular Tasmanian devil, all within the confines of my vehicle of course.  I can go from happily driving down the road with a smile on my face and as soon as I see the red break lights ahead, with all my might I wish I could summon a black hole to swallow up all the cars in front of me.  A black hole or Godzilla, it doesn’t matter, just get the cars out of my way!
Mmm delicious cars Dino, go eat em’
  • The grass is greener in my neighbor’s yard and this makes me green with envy (yes that pun was intended).  My front yard is south-facing and the sun bears down on it from morning until late afternoon.  By the end of June, I’m left with what resembles the Sahara, sans beauty. I sip my coffee and I stare out my window towards the neighbor’s yard with admiration.  Last year though I took action, and I painted my grass green with an eco-friendly paint I bought online – now the grass really is greener…in my own yard!
Don’t be jelly
  • Turns out my dogs hate oatmeal, and blueberries for that matter. For the first time in over 11 years I ran out of dry dog food.  I have always had a back-up bag to ensure pup tummies are kept full.  But this old lady went to the cupboard and it was bare, so I had to improvise.  Oatmeal and blueberries seemed like a good idea.  Both dogs investigated each other’s bowls in disbelief of “the crap” that was contained inside, and much to their surprise they both had the exact same crap.  Finally the little dog melodramatically tried her blue-gruel and proceeded to spit blueberries out of her mouth one by one, I then faced the facts – blueberry-oatmeal meal would remain uneaten.  

Well I share these fun life-hack facts with you to showcase that everyone needs to put a little work into their “facade of normalcy” (insert smiley face here <–)